I, GARY, WROTE THE BOOK

GARY

And why shouldn’t he?
AFTER FIFTY-TWO YEARS OF WEDLOCK,
AFTER LIVING THROUGH A WAR,
I CONSIDER MYSELF AN AUTHORITY ON LOVE AND LIFE.
TRUDGING THROUGH THE JUNGLE
DODGING BULLETS FROM EVERY ANGLE,
HAS A WAY OF FORCING A MAN TO TAKE STOCK.

MYRA
HEY, THAT’S NO WAY TO TALK ABOUT LIVING WITH YOUR WIFE!

GARY
HA, HA.
WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE I’M WELL-VERSED
ON THE STEPS A COUPLE TAKES,
FROM THEIR VERY FIRST KISS TO FALLING OFF THEIR PERCH.
FROM SIPPING SHAKES TO PICKING OUT CURTAINS,
TRADING YOUR MUSTANG FOR A SUBURBAN
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR ADVICE CALL OFF THE SEARCH.

’CAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE I KNOW MY STUFF.
I’M A CONNOISSEUR.
I’M EVERY BIT A BUFF.
IF LOVE WERE A RACE
I’D BE STEVE MCQUEEN,
I’VE BEEN FROM STRIPE TO STRIPE
AND THROUGH EVERY STRAIGHT AND CURVE IN BETWEEN.
AND WHEN IT COMES TO LIFE, NOTHING’S TAUGHT ME MORE
THAN HUNTING AND FISHING IN THE GREAT OUTDOORS.
COMMUNING WITH NATURE MAKES A MAN A MAN.
THE STILLNESS OF THE WOODS AT DAWN,
THE BEAUTY OF A DOE NUZZLING HER FAWN.
GUTTING A FISH AND CLEANING YOUR KNIFE
GIVES YOU INSIGHT INTO THE MASTER PLAN.

WHEN IT COMES TO WORDS OF WISDOM
OUR BUDDY TIM’S GOT NO FURTHER TO LOOK.
WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE,
WHEN IT COMES TO LIFE,
I, GARY, WROTE THE BOOK.

MYRA
THREE CHEERS FOR OUR RESIDENT GURU.

GARY
Thanks!

MYRA
HE HASN’T DATED SINCE FOURTEEN-NINETY TWO,
YET HE’S THE FOREMOST EXPERT IN THE LAND.

GARY
Yeah! Wait. What?!

MYRA
YES, WE’VE GOT A REAL ANNE LANDERS HERE. HIS ENTIRE LIFE
HE’S ONLY HAD ONE WIFE.

GARY
WHEREAS, YOU COULD COUNT YOUR SPOUSES ON THREE HANDS!

MYRA
Touché!
THE LAST TIME YOU DATED A GIRL
20-FOOT LIZARDS ROAMED THE WORLD.

GARY
Yeah?
WELL, YOU’RE SO OLD YOUR MEMORIES ARE BLACK AND WHITE.

MYRA
Please!

YOU’RE SO OLD YOU CALLED THE POLICE WHEN DAVID AND GOLIATH STARTED TO FIGHT.
WHEN IT COMES TO LIFE YOU WROTE THE BOOK?

GARY
THAT’S WHAT I SAID.

MYRA
I’M SURE IT’S GOBBLEDYGOOK.
Plus, WHO WANTS TO READ A SLAB OF STONE IN BED?

GARY
MRS. FRANKENSTEIN CALLED SHE WANTS HER HAIRDO BACK!

MYRA
YOU’RE SO BALD I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT!

GARY
YOU’RE SO OLD YOUR BIBLE’S AUTOGRAPHED!

MUSIC resumes as INGRID, though trying to suppress it, starts laughing. MYRA looks at INGRID, then at GARY. She extends her hand in a conciliatory gesture. He triumphantly shakes it.

GARY
SO WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE,

MYRA
AND, APPARENTLY, WIT.

GARY
STEP INTO MY OFFICE AND SIT.
I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT LOVE,
I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT LIFE,

MYRA
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, WAR.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, WIFE.

GARY
CAN I FINISH THE SONG?

MARY
I SUPPOSE SO. SURE.

GARY
Thank you.
I, GARY...

MYRA
COULDN’T WRITE A THREE-PAGE BROCHURE!

GARY
(shooting MYRA a glance)
Now, look...

WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE,
WHEN IT COMES TO LIFE,
I TELL YOU,
I, GARY, WROTE THE BOOK!

I, GARY, WROTE THE BOOK

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