WHAT I KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

TIM
Then what is the point, Gary?

MUSIC UP for (What I Know About) Women.

GARY
The point is what I said just a second ago: If you see something you really like, don’t walk out of the store without it.

TIM
Except if you can’t afford it.

GARY
Right. That’s the second part of it ... Are we on the same page here?I think so. What else do you know about women?

GARY
WOMEN?
WHAT I KNOW ABOUT WOMEN?
THEY’RE AN ENIGMA CURLED UP IN A QUESTION MARK. LIKE HUNTING FOR BLACK BEAR WEARING SUNGLASSES IN THE DARK.

WOMEN!
HERE’S THE TRUTH ABOUT WOMEN:
THEY ACT LIKE OLD MAIDS BUT REALLY THEY’RE LITTLE GIRLS AT HEART!
AND KEEPING ’EM HAPPY’S NOT A SKILL, MAN, IT’S AN ART.

THEY THRILL US
EVEN WHEN THEY WANT TO KILL US.
AND WHEN THEY “HEY, I’LL GET THE BILL” US,
THERE’S ALMOST ALWAYS A CATCH.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ’EM
THAT MAKES US POWERLESS WITHOUT ’EM?
WHEN WE TRY TO OUT-SHOUT ’EM
WE FIND WE’VE MET OUR MATCH!

WOMEN!
HERE’S THE SECRET TO WOMEN:
IF YOU WANT TO HOOK ONE, SONNY, CAST YOUR LINE AND WAIT,
AND DON’T THROW HER BACK ONCE SHE’S A-WRIGGLING ON YOUR PLATE.

MUSIC continues as ANNE MARIE enters. She approaches TIM. His eyes light up when he sees her.

ANNE MARIE
Hi, Tim.

TIM
Oh, hi.

ANNE MARIE
Have a second?

TIM
Sure.

ANNE MARIE
I just wanted to say: Whatever you did for Ingrid ...

TIM
Yes?

ANNE MARIE
It really helped.

TIM
Good. I’m glad.

Beat.

ANNE MARIE
You deserve a big hug, you know that?

She leans in and hugs him. The hug lingers. TIM is left speechless. ANNE MARIE disengages from the embrace. She adjusts her clothes ever so slightly. She appears a little flushed.

ANNE MARIE
Oh, my goodness! I hope that didn’t violate any policy!

TIM
Don’t worry. I won’t tell if you won’t.

Beat, as the two of them gaze at each other. Then, just as suddenly, the spell is broken and ANNE MARIE looks at GARY. It’s as if she hadn’t seen him until that moment.

ANNE MARIE
(to GARY) 
Oh hi, Gary.

GARY
Hi, Anne Marie.

Beat, as ANNE MARIE and TIM again gaze at each other.

ANNE MARIE
Well, back to work!

ANNE MARIE marches out.

GARY turns to TIM.

GARY
(to TIM)
See? What did I tell you? It’s working already!

DON’T LET HER
WALK AWAY, BOY, GO AND GET HER.
SAIL OUT ON YOUR BOAT AND NET HER.
DON’T LEAVE HER HIGH AND DRY.
SHE’S WAITING
I THINK SHE FINDS YOU TITILLATING.
YOU REALLY CRACKED HER ARMOR PLATING.
SO DRIVE IT HOME, BOY, DON’T BE SHY.

WOMEN!
HERE’S MY POINT ABOUT WOMEN.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE CUPID
TO KNOW WHEN THEY’RE STUPID
FOR A GUY.
AND RIGHT NOW, WOW!
YOU ARE THE APPLE OF THAT ONE’S EYE.

TIM
You think so?

GARY
TIM, MY FRIEND, MY SON, WHY WOULD I LIE?

Words and music by Michael Johnson
Dialog by Rich Rubin
©2014, Zubsongs, Ltd.