Download piano/vocal score.

HOW TO WIN A GIRL’S HEART

MYRA
Tell me something, Tim: You ever see "The Karate Kid"?

TIM
Once, I think. On TV ... What’s that got to do with Anne Marie?

MYRA
Everything. To win Anne Marie’s hand, you have to start by waxing a car.

TIM
Whose car? Hers?

MYRA
No, not her car.

TIM
Then whose car do I have to wax? Yours?

MYRA
No, not mine. I don’t even have a car anymore. You know something, Tim? I think you’re missing the point here. This whole "car wax" thing? It’s not really about waxing cars.

TIM
It’s not?

MYRA
No, it’s about becoming her knight in shining armor. A lithe and confident gladiator coming to sweep her away on a white horse. Now do you see the picture?

TIM
(looking off toward stage-left) 
Not really. I only see her.

MYRA
Well, that’s also a good place to start.
TO WIN
A GIRL’S HEART
TAKES PRACTICE, LIKE ANY ART.
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO START
JUST COME A LITTLE CLOSER.
BRAD’S RICH, HANDSOME, FIT;
YOU? WELL, NO OFFENSE, YOU’RE NO BRAD PITT.
BUT I SEE WARMTH, SINCERITY, WIT!

TIM
Aw, thanks.

MYRA
BUT YOU’VE GOT A WAYS TO GO, SIR.
YOU’VE GOT
A LOT
OF WHAT IT TAKES TO
MAKE IT TO
THE TUNNEL OF LOVE WITH ANNE MARIE.

TIM
You really think so?

MYRA
BUT, FIRST THINGS FIRST!
WE’VE GOT TO BREAK THROUGH
AND WAKE YOU
UP TO THE WORLD OF COURTING AND ALL IT’S SUBTLETY.

TIM
I’m not sure what you mean.

MYRA
A FEW TIPS.
A FEW TWEAKS.
I KNOW THE BOOK OF LOVE WAS WRITTEN IN GREEK.
BUT LOOK, HONEY, ATHENS WASN’T BUILT IN A WEEK.
NOW LISTEN UP I’VE GOT SOME POINTERS.
CHIN UP.
DON’T SLOUCH.
A MAN OF STEEL WITH A SILKY APPROACH.

MYRA leads TIM hastily to a couch. During the following line she sits next to him, cozies up.

MYRA
SUPPOSE YOU’RE SITTING BY HER SIDE ON A COUCH.
YAWN AND STRETCH...

MYRA feigns a yawn and stretch, like she’s going to put her arm around TIM, but pulls her arm away at the last moment, acting aloof.

MYRA
THEN DISAPPOINT HER.

TIM
Wait. What?

MYRA
BE COY
ACT ALOOF.

TIM
Are you sure?

MYRA
DON’T BELIEVE ME? BRAD’S THE PROOF!
HE GETS HER MOTOROLA RUNNING HOT, THEN: POOF!
HE’S OFF TO ASPEN WITH THE GENTRY.
A GIRL LIKES
A GUY WHO CAN CONFUSE HER.
BEMUSE HER.
LET’S FACE IT, EVERYONE LIKES A TEASE.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A HOWARD HUGHES, SIR,
TO SCHMOOZE HER.
TAKE IT FROM ME: FORGET YOUR Q’S AND P’S!
MR. NICE,
NOT SO FAST!
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT NICE GUYS FINISH LAST?
HEART-SHAPED BOXES ARE A THING OF THE PAST
AND I MEAN PAST, LIKE 19TH CENTURY.

MYRA grows even more enthusiastic as she tries to mold TIM into her own ideal man.

MYRA
BE SMOOTH.
PLAY ROUGH.
ACT MANLY, BUT JUST GAY ENOUGH.
KEEP YOUR CARDS CLOSE OR SHE’LL CALL YOUR BLUFF.

Music continues over the following.

MYRA
Ok, let’s give it a try. I’ll be Anne Marie, and you be, well, a more debonair version of yourself. Got it? Go.

TIM takes a moment to warm up and then approaches MYRA, doing a bad job of looking suave.

MYRA
HEAD HIGH.
SLIGHT SMIRK.
CHIN UP.
THAT’LL WORK.
BACK STRAIGHT.
GUT IN.
LEAN BACK.
LOWER YOUR CHIN.
TOO MUCH!
SHIFT YOUR WEIGHT.
TOO FAR.
THINK: "FASHION PLATE"
BROW DOWN.
OTHER BROW.
NO, BOTH.

This builds to a crescendo, at the climax of which TIM ends up in an awkward, funny version of a gallant, dashing posture.

MYRA
THAT’S IT! NOW,
LET ME HEAR YOU WOO ME:

TIM
(in as suave a voice as he can muster)
 Uh...so, er...Do you live around here often?

A beat. MUSIC stops. MYRA, with her bubble burst, appraises him, shoots a resigned look at the audience, then looks back at TIM. MUSIC resumes.

MYRA
NOT BAD.
YOU’RE A BIT OF A GEEK.
BUT THEN AGAIN THESE ARE HIGHER-LEVEL TECHNIQUES.
YOU GOTTA START WITH A BABY STEP TO GET TO THE PEAK.
THERE’S HOPE! DON’T LOOK SO GLOOMY.
YOU’VE GOT
A LOT
OF WHAT IT TAKES TO
MAKE IT TO
THE MOON AND THE STARS WITH ANNE MARIE.
AND ALL THE NICE
ADVICE
I GAVE YOU.
WE’LL SAVE. YOU
CAN FOCUS ON BEING THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE.
’Cause listen, honey:
YOU’RE CUTE.
MUSICAL, SMART.
FROM WHERE I’M STANDING THAT’S A PRETTY GOOD START.
SO FOR NOW IF YOU REALLY WANT TO WIN THE GIRL’S HEART
JUST BE YOURSELF.

Words and music by Michael Johnson
Dialog by Rich Rubin
©2014 Zubsongs, Ltd.