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IF IFS AND BUTS WERE CANDY AND NUTS (WE’D ALL HAVE A LOVELY CHRISTMAS)

Dad, your recliner’s still empty.
Momma removed another layer of dust.
But it says in the letter you sent me
You’re gonna spend this Christmas with us.

Daddy, you must
Forgive me if I don’t buy it.

Year after year you promise
To be here to see our faces light up.
But, frankly, we don’t need the drama;
The knot in our gut when your Buick rolls up.

Daddy, dry up.
We don’t need another riot.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts
We’d all have a lovely Christmas.
If I had a dime for every time,
Dad, you professed to miss us,

I’d buy a guy for Mama.
Like Richard Arlen in “Dangerous Curves”
I’m talking Errol Flynn-O-rama!
The doting Don Juan she deserves.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts
We’d all have a lovely Christmas.
If I had a dime for every time
Dad made a promise and ditched us.

I’d buy the sky for Momma.
There’d be no trauma. No uphill climb.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts
We’d all have a lovely Christmas time.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts
We’d all have a lovely Christmas.
If ifs and ands were pots and pans
Dad, you’d be here to kiss us.

The sight would light up Mama,
A panorama so sublime.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts
We’d all have a lovely Christmas time.

© 1932 Fitzbolter Music, LLC
Arrangement © 2023 Zubsongs, Ltd.