Cookies, Part Two: the Lyric continued
Okay, back to it. So the fourth line gives me trouble now. I like the ending “lemon drops” but I’m not sure about the first half of the line. But there’s a bigger problem. There isn’t a sense of urgency in his words. I want it to feel like he’s overpowered by the weight of his transgression to confess his desire for his young charge. So a few words will have to be changed. First, the word “said” in the second line. Is there another word that might be stronger? That might convey the chaplain speaking the line in a hurried whisper? It has to have one syllable. To the Thesaurus! How about “sighed” or “gasped”? I like “gasped” because it rhymes with “chaplain” and “strapping”. Okay, so why would the chaplain be gasping, if the two men are just “standing” in the candy shop? No, I think another word here could better describe for the listener the urgency of the situation. They could “duck” into the shop. That word renders quick, sneaky movement into the shop and out again that could leave the chaplain gasping. And they could sneak some lemon drops. That creates an internal rhyme. As in:
But having ducked into this candy shop
and snuck a bit of lemon drop
Okay. I like these two lines, because the “bit of lemon drop” feels smooth and colloquial. So on to the last line. Here, the word “something” is too vague, although I like the alliteration with the word “sweet”. But he should be making a “confession”, or an “avowal”. Consulting the thesaurus for an “s” word that means “confession” turns up nothing. I could change the word at the end of the line. Looking at the rhyming dictionary, the word “pray” jumps out at me. That’s nice, because getting rid of the word “say” at the end of the line frees me up to use a verb elsewhere in the line that means “confess”. How about:
I’ve something to confess, so listen, pray!
That sounds very old-fashioned, doesn’t it? The urgency is conveyed by the fact that the chaplain is begging his young friend to listen to his confession. The alliteration is still there, between “something”, “so”, and the s-es in “confess” and “listen”. Plus I like the fact that I got rid of the word “sweet”. Leaving it in would call attention to the sweets in the candy shop, whereas the word “pray” is a nice double entendre, meaning in context “to beg”, but also relating back to the fact that our hero and his friend are clergymen. The word “confess” is also nice. The whole stanza now reads:
“I don’t want to use an old cliché,”
Gasped the chaplain to his strapping protégé,
“But having ducked into this candy shop
and snuck a bit of lemon drop
I’ve something to confess. So listen, pray!”
This is nice. I feel more urgency in his voice. When I listen to this, I get a mental picture of the two characters jumping out of the shop and slamming themselves against the wall gasping. I get a picture of what the chaplain’s protégé looks like, and I can see the chaplain, all out of breath and inspired by the thrill of sin.
Okay, so what is his confession? Well, what will follow is the chorus of the song. Remember that in these old time songs, the introduction was the “verse” and the main melody of the song, the main idea, was the “chorus”. This chorus will be a tirade about his feelings. Because they’ve been in a candy shop, and because our chaplain is much older than his strapping protégé, his confession will consist of a list of candies and sweets, which will serve to describe his feelings in pictures, as in:
I’m cookies for you!
Absolutely apples!
Positively pumpkin perielles for you!
We’re truffles, we two;
Simply snicker doodles
la la la la la la la la la la la
That’s all I’ve come up with so far. I’ve had those lyrics in my head for some time, but of course they need work. I’m not really sure, for example, if “perielle” is a kind of pastry. I thought I saw it on a menu somewhere, but I might have just made up the word. Also, the word “snicker doodle”, a type of cookie, sounds goofy. So, the next step is to obtain a list of pastries, sweets, and candies, and use it for the material for the chaplain’s confession. It would be nice to use ones that have sexual double meaning, like cream donuts and stuffed éclairs. I’ll do that, and we’ll start on the chorus next time. For now, my street cred in flames, tonight’s work is over. Thanks for sticking with me so far. As usual, if you’ve got any ideas or suggestions, feel free to post comments. See you soon!
But having ducked into this candy shop
and snuck a bit of lemon drop
Okay. I like these two lines, because the “bit of lemon drop” feels smooth and colloquial. So on to the last line. Here, the word “something” is too vague, although I like the alliteration with the word “sweet”. But he should be making a “confession”, or an “avowal”. Consulting the thesaurus for an “s” word that means “confession” turns up nothing. I could change the word at the end of the line. Looking at the rhyming dictionary, the word “pray” jumps out at me. That’s nice, because getting rid of the word “say” at the end of the line frees me up to use a verb elsewhere in the line that means “confess”. How about:
I’ve something to confess, so listen, pray!
That sounds very old-fashioned, doesn’t it? The urgency is conveyed by the fact that the chaplain is begging his young friend to listen to his confession. The alliteration is still there, between “something”, “so”, and the s-es in “confess” and “listen”. Plus I like the fact that I got rid of the word “sweet”. Leaving it in would call attention to the sweets in the candy shop, whereas the word “pray” is a nice double entendre, meaning in context “to beg”, but also relating back to the fact that our hero and his friend are clergymen. The word “confess” is also nice. The whole stanza now reads:
“I don’t want to use an old cliché,”
Gasped the chaplain to his strapping protégé,
“But having ducked into this candy shop
and snuck a bit of lemon drop
I’ve something to confess. So listen, pray!”
This is nice. I feel more urgency in his voice. When I listen to this, I get a mental picture of the two characters jumping out of the shop and slamming themselves against the wall gasping. I get a picture of what the chaplain’s protégé looks like, and I can see the chaplain, all out of breath and inspired by the thrill of sin.
Okay, so what is his confession? Well, what will follow is the chorus of the song. Remember that in these old time songs, the introduction was the “verse” and the main melody of the song, the main idea, was the “chorus”. This chorus will be a tirade about his feelings. Because they’ve been in a candy shop, and because our chaplain is much older than his strapping protégé, his confession will consist of a list of candies and sweets, which will serve to describe his feelings in pictures, as in:
I’m cookies for you!
Absolutely apples!
Positively pumpkin perielles for you!
We’re truffles, we two;
Simply snicker doodles
la la la la la la la la la la la
That’s all I’ve come up with so far. I’ve had those lyrics in my head for some time, but of course they need work. I’m not really sure, for example, if “perielle” is a kind of pastry. I thought I saw it on a menu somewhere, but I might have just made up the word. Also, the word “snicker doodle”, a type of cookie, sounds goofy. So, the next step is to obtain a list of pastries, sweets, and candies, and use it for the material for the chaplain’s confession. It would be nice to use ones that have sexual double meaning, like cream donuts and stuffed éclairs. I’ll do that, and we’ll start on the chorus next time. For now, my street cred in flames, tonight’s work is over. Thanks for sticking with me so far. As usual, if you’ve got any ideas or suggestions, feel free to post comments. See you soon!