Download the piano/vocal score.

MY LIFE, PART 1

MYRA
Me?

TIM
Uh-huh.

MYRA
For the song, you need to hear about me?

TIM
That’s right.

MYRA
What exactly would you like to know?

TIM
Whatever you’d like to tell me.

MYRA
How much time do we have?

TIM
We have all the time in the world.

MYRA
Ha! Speak for yourself, kiddo.
MY LIFE
USED TO BE FINE WINE.
USED TO BE FAST CARS,
SINGLES BARS,
SIPPING CAMPARI AT THE GRAND DEL MAR.
MY LIFE
USED TO BE BE JACKPOTS.
USED TO BE LOOSE SLOTS,
TYING THE KNOT,
CRUISING TOP DOWN IN A MAZERATI.
I SIPPED MY SOUP
WITH A SILVER SPOON.
RACED MY COUPE.
MADE THE BACHELORS SWOON.
WHEN HULA HOOPS WERE ALL THE RAGE.
BUT EVEN NOW NICE YOUNG MEN
WHO BUY ME DRINKS
SPILL THEM WHEN,
WITH A KNOWING WINK,
I MAKE THEM
GUESS MY TENDER AGE.

MYRA
MY LIFE
USED TO BE PRINCESS LINES.
USED TO BE HAUTE COUTURE,
CREME LIQUEUR,
SOAKING UP THE SUN ON THE COTE D’AZURE.

Tim continues strumming under the following.

MYRA
You know, I once threw my panties at Engelbert Humperdinck. I was so embarrassed.

TIM
Well, I’m sure a lot of women have thrown their panties at Engelbert Humperdinck.

MYRA
Yeah, but this was in his hotel room.

TIM
Oh.

MYRA
I guess we could put that in the song ... though I’m not sure what rhymes with "Humperdinck."

TIM
Any other memories come to mind?

MYRA
(day-dreaming, smiling) 
No, at the moment just that one.
(beat, clearing her throat)
Ahem. Well, I guess I could tell you about my husbands. Just how many stanzas am I allowed?

TIM
Depends on how many husbands.

MYRA looks at her watch.

MYRA
You know, it’s not fair to keep you here all day. Maybe I’ll just give you some highlights.

TIM strums his guitar as MYRA sings.

MYRA
HUSBAND ONE: NAME OF BOB.
SIX-THREE, ITALIAN ACTOR, A REAL HEART THROB.
MGM, THE STUDIO
GAVE ’IM A LEADING ROLE, BUT THE BUM SAID, "NO".
BUT THAT WAS BOB.
ALWAYS ON THE SOFA.
HAD THE FILM BEEN CALLED "THE LOAFER"
HE’D’VE TAKEN THE JOB.
HUSBAND TWO:
WAS RANDY.
IN NAME ONLY IF YOU
ASK ME.
HUSBAND THREE: THAT WAS BILL.
A VP AT PFIZER HE WAS SOMETHING OF A PILL.
STILL,
ONE OF THE PERKS
OF BEING A RICH JERK
ARE THE JEWELS AND THE FURS YOU BRING YOUR WIFE AFTER WORK.
HUSBAND FOUR: AH, MY FRED!
THINGS WERE HUNKY DORY ’TILL HE DROPPED DEAD
AT BABBO’S.
I WENT TO POWDER MY NOSE.
I CAME BACK TO FIND MY FREDDY
FACE DOWN IN HIS SPAGHETTI.
AS FOR OTHER GUYS,
WITH APPREHENSION,
I ADMIT THAT I
FORGOT TO MENTION
THAT ON THE SLY
I HAD A TRYST OR TWO.
BUT EVEN NOW NICE YOUNG BOYS
WHO BUY ME COCKTAILS
LOSE ALL POISE
WHEN, AFTER HEARING TALES
OF MY EXPLOITS,
INQUIRE, “HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

TIM
(again imitating one of those nice young boys)
Why you don’t look a day over forty-two!

MYRA
Ha! Eat your heart out, buster!

MY LIFE HASN’T ALWAYS BEEN “TAKE YOUR MEDS”
HASN’T ALWAYS BEEN VELCRO KEDS
HOSPITAL BEDS
COMPETING WITH CRONES FOR CAFETERIA CRED.
MY LIFE USED TO BE BON BONS.
USED TO BE LOUIS VUITTON
FILET MIGNON
CRUISING CLUBS IN CABO WITH THE DON JUANS.
I’D FLATTER AND FLIRT
WITH THE BEST OF THEM,
DISH THE DIRT
WITH THE REST OF THEM,
WHEN MINI SKIRTS
WERE THE HEIGHT OF STYLE.
THOSE GORGEOUS MEN
WHO CAME ON TO ME
WAY BACK WHEN
STILL HAUNT ME
I THINK OF THEM
ONCE IN A WHILE.
I GOT NO REGRETS.
NOT FOR A MINUTE.
NOT THE WHOLE JET-SET
(OR THE MEN IN IT.)
MISTRESS, MAITRESSE, WIFE:
THAT WAS MY LIFE.
THAT WAS MY LIFE.
THAT WAS MY LIFE!

Words and Music by Michael Johnson
Dialog by Rich Rubin
© 2014, Zubsongs, Ltd.